


Solivagant

by collapsethelightintoearth



Series: Dark(ish) Doctor Drabbles [4]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Companions, Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), Dark Thirteenth Doctor, Drabble, Gen, Gen Work, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Mentioned Past Companions (Doctor Who), Post-Episode: s12e10 The Timeless Children, Regeneration (Doctor Who), The Doctor (Doctor Who) Lies, The Doctor (Doctor Who) is a Mess, The Doctor is Not Okay (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor Era, Wordcount: 100-500
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:49:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28616847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collapsethelightintoearth/pseuds/collapsethelightintoearth
Summary: Solivagant (n.): a solitary wandererOr: The inevitably of loss clings to the Doctor like a shroud. (In the end, the only companion that will never leave her is time itself.)
Series: Dark(ish) Doctor Drabbles [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1651645
Kudos: 14





	Solivagant

The inevitably of loss clings to the Doctor like a shroud. Still, no one in her life has ever been—or will ever be—permanent, and neither are the spaces they leave behind. She’s gotten over each and every one of them ~~and will get over so many, many more~~ ; in the end, the only companion that will never leave her is time itself.

Regeneration hastens the process of sloughing off all that raw, fervent grief like an old and spent skin. With each new incarnation, the ghosts of her past grow fainter, quieter, pushed slowly deeper down in her mind to gather dust, tucked away into the abyssal dark. She sits restlessly with the knowledge that eventually (or sometimes soon enough that anyone looking in might think she'd never truly cared at all), they won’t matter as much to her as they once did.

The Doctor’s companions often believe that her impact on their lives is more or less equal to their impact on hers, and she does nothing to dissuade them from that line of thinking. It’s safer that way ~~for her~~ for everyone. She’s all but outlived the span of the universe, even if she can only remember a fraction of it. Is it any wonder then, that her grief does not burn like a human’s? It can’t—she would crumble like kindling under its unendurable weight. She lets it consume her wholly until it’s time to turn away; she moves on, moves forward, and when it comes down to it, she rarely looks back.

She makes so many promises she cannot keep, and others she simply chooses not to. Back to the first incarnation she knows, she told Susan that this wasn't the end, that she would return one day. (She can still fulfill this promise, perhaps, but somewhere in her hearts lives the knowledge that she likely won't.)

Three bodies ago, across a ceaseless stretch of centuries, she promised Rose she wouldn’t leave her like she did Sarah Jane ~~and all the others who came before, up to and including the very first~~.

Throughout their lives, there are lessons that people don’t, or even can’t, learn willingly. And so it wasn’t until much later that Rose realized a fixed truth about the man she loved and thought she knew.

Rule number one: The Doctor lies.

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing like lack of sleep to fuel my messy, introspective rambling. I realize that I really like making characters suffer in my fics... which is reflected in basically everything I've posted lol. Maybe I should challenge myself to write something upbeat, but for now, all aboard the angst express. (Also comments fuel me so if you liked this, or have any thoughts about it really, I'd love to hear them!)


End file.
